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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29427453">And I lost who I am, and I can't understand</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_irregular/pseuds/fandom_irregular'>fandom_irregular</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Shattered [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>4x05 speculation, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Gen, Possible season 4 spoilers, and he gets one, be nice</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:26:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,428</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29427453</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_irregular/pseuds/fandom_irregular</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>“Maddie? Who is this?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Heavy silence, deep breath.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“That’s Daniel” come on, keep going “He died.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Confusion on his face.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“He was our brother.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Sequel to Who I am from the start, Take me Home to my heart and post 4x04.</p>
<p>When secreats are revealed, Buck fights for understanding.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Maddie Buckley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Shattered [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2161719</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>66</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>And I lost who I am, and I can't understand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello!<br/>After a few people asked for a follow up and the actual episode aired, I decided to gice a go at a sequel. Still, I tried not to go into too much specificity as I usually don't stay too close too canon, but this seems necessary. Everybody can spin the story they way they would like it to go.<br/>Just a reminder, my native language is not English, so please bear with me for any mistakes.</p>
<p>Also, know that there is a third story in the works!</p>
<p>Finally, again a shoutout to my betareader, Dream-editor!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Maddie? Who is this?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Heavy silence, deep breath.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“That’s Daniel” come on, keep going “He died.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Confusion on his face.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“He was our brother.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>She can see it in his eyes. The confusion. The betrayal. The pain.</p>
<p>Her own eyes fill with tears, the knowledge that she is the one causing all of this,  almost bringing a physical weight to her shoulders.</p>
<p>She remembers a different time, when her parents were loving and warm, when laughter and joy filled the house, that house.</p>
<p>How nothing had been the same once Daniel was gone.</p>
<p>She remembers the promise she made to her parents, standing as tall as she could, so young and yet so old, thinking that maybe they were right and that even the mention of her brother’s name would be too much, the breaking point of that fragile equilibrium that had sort of settled in the weeks to follow.</p>
<p>But that feeling, that void had been a presence all of its own, carving itself a space in their lives, burrowing further, deeper, day by day in the Buckley household.</p>
<p>And Buck, the most innocent among them all, the only one who didn’t know, who couldn’t know, had been the one to suffer the brunt of it.</p>
<p>Missed plays, forgotten games, ignored milestones. From indifference in the face of accomplishments, to the harsh judgment of misbehavior, those were the only demonstrations of caring from Philip and Margaret Buckley.</p>
<p>She wants to tell him so much, all the times that she had entertained the idea of revealing to him the missing piece of their story, all of the memories that she still held dear of their beloved brother, explaining that Buck wasn’t, and could never be, a disappointment, and for once being believed.</p>
<p>But how could she?</p>
<p>Because now, adding to the loss of their sibling, she would have to own to the fact of keeping Daniel a secret for all these years. How can you go and tell the person you love the most that you actually had been lying to him all of his life? At first it had been easy when she had been a kid, following her parents’ guidance, trying to remove a source of pain from their lives. Then, it had become a necessity, the only way to hide the shame of the deceit of the past, never finding enough courage to rectify such a mistake.</p>
<p>But now, there is no turning back. She owes Buck – and Daniel as well – that much.</p>
<p>So she talks.</p>
<p>Buck listens to her, the frown on his face just getting deeper with every word. He doesn’t dare to interrupt her, even if she can see the million questions forming in his head, his eyes getting sharper with every word.</p>
<p>When she is done, she finds only silence.</p>
<p>His gaze keeps darting between her and the picture in his hands, faint shakes running through his limbs.</p>
<p>She moves closer, only wanting to hold him somehow, a hand on his shoulder, leg against leg, something, anything, just trying to get a point of contact between them, but he evades her, jumping to his feet.</p>
<p>“… all this time…” his voice is trembling as hard as his hands “All this time you knew? And you didn’t tell me?”</p>
<p>She gapes for a moment, knowing that nothing she can say will help right now.</p>
<p>“Buck, I’m sorry…”</p>
<p>“You are sorry?” bewilderment colors his words “You’ve known the reason why mom and dad were… were like this and all you can say is that you’re sorry?”</p>
<p>“Buck…”</p>
<p>“NO!” he shouts, while moving away in an unmistakable repeat of the dinner with their parents “I don’t… I don’t understand how…”</p>
<p>He crosses his arms in front of him, putting some distance between the two of them, and takes a deep breath, his eyes closing for a second, shutting the world away.</p>
<p>When he reopens them, the trembling has stopped.</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”</p>
<p>She hesitates for a second. Not because she doesn’t want to answer, but because she wants, she needs to explain properly. He needs her to.</p>
<p>“When Daniel died… you were so young, Ev… Buck.” she quickly corrects herself when he grimaces “Mom and dad told me that… that it would be better not to talk about him, that I had to promise not to tell you, that it was the right thing to do.” She doesn’t know when she started crying, but she can feel the tears rolling down her cheeks. She doesn’t do anything to stop them “I believed them. I wanted to believe they were right and that they were… they were thinking of us.”</p>
<p>And she can see the disbelief on her brother’s face.</p>
<p>“They were different people back then. Before.”</p>
<p>He paces, moving away from her and back, his eyes darting to the photo in his hands, biting down on his lips so hard she thinks he’s drawing blood.</p>
<p>“You keep saying that.”</p>
<p>The pain in his voice is almost too much.</p>
<p>“You keep talking about <em>before</em>.” He finally looks back at her, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “But I have no idea what you are talking about. I never met those people, the ones that come to class events, that teach you how to ride a bike, that plan a <em>fucking</em> <em>baby box</em>. And that is because…” he hesitates.</p>
<p>“Buck, they lost a child, we lost a brother…”</p>
<p>“BUT YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HIM!” and again he is there, at his breaking point in her living room, but this time, it’s not their parents he’s mad at.</p>
<p>“How could you keep this from me, Maddie? After everything we went through, after everything <em>they</em> made us go through, you still chose <em>them</em> and your promise to them over me?”</p>
<p>She steps forward, trying to reach for him, but still, he moves away.</p>
<p>“I was… I was just trying…”</p>
<p>“To do what, Maddie?” he scoffs, shaking his head, trying to regain some sort of composure “I thought we were supposed to be a united front.”</p>
<p>The look he throws her way hurts her more than anything he said. And she knows that at least in part she deserves it.</p>
<p>“We are, Buck, we are.”</p>
<p> “Are we?” he looks away again “You weren’t even going to say anything before I saw that picture!”</p>
<p>His shoulders drop in defeat, the small hope that he is wrong, that she would have told him the truth, fading the moment she stays quiet. </p>
<p>“Do you want to know what’s worse? You were the only one of our family that I trusted, Maddie.”</p>
<p>And the past tense of that sentence is another stab to her broken heart.</p>
<p>The heavy silence that follows his statement grows in the space between them, until the unlocking of the door claims both their attentions.</p>
<p>Chim’s slow steps and his worried face announce without needing words that he has heard the end of their fight.</p>
<p>“Everything alright in here?” from his expression, even the EMT knows it’s a stupid question.</p>
<p>Still, it springs Buck into action, and he starts to collect all of his stuff.</p>
<p>“I need to go.” he says, voice void of any emotion.</p>
<p>Maddie again moves closer, but freezes after one step. She doesn’t want to crowd him, but she doesn’t want to let him go either.</p>
<p>“Buck, please…”</p>
<p>Their eyes meet again and, for once, she is not sure of what her brother is thinking.</p>
<p>“Maddie, I…” he frowns, trying again to collect his thoughts “I love you, Mads. But I can’t be here right now.”</p>
<p>And with that, nobody tries to stop him as he leaves.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Being the Captain of the 118 has always been a privilege for Bobby. He still remembers fondly the first months after moving to LA, with everything he had to learn and understand about the bright Californian city, trying hard – and sometimes failing – to navigate literally and metaphorically a whole new life.</p>
<p>But the one thing he has never had trouble understanding is people.</p>
<p>Hen, driven and knowledgeable, full of insight, standing strong in any situation.</p>
<p>Chimney, resourceful and steady, always happy to help out and offer advices.</p>
<p>Even Sal, with his jackass and resenting attitude was easy to figure out.</p>
<p>So today Bobby finds himself in a predicament when just by throwing a look at his team he knows that something is wrong.</p>
<p>Chimney has been weird for the past few days, since before the arrival of his future in-laws and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that something has been going on with the Buckley family, particularly for the member under Bobby’s command. Chimney’s not-so-subtle rants, his escapes and his avoiding of the youngest member of their team has not been unnoticed, even by said fireman.</p>
<p>Buck has taken everything in stride, seemingly not letting the arrival of his parents affect him too much.</p>
<p>At least not at work.</p>
<p>At least not until today.</p>
<p>As in, yes, everybody knew of the impending arrival of the Buckley parents the moment Buck had found out, ready to discuss how unfair the short window of time Maddie had given him to prepare was, and he had seemed a bit more on the edge than usual.</p>
<p>Today, the usual bright smile of the young firefighter has been replaced with a sad frown, while he sits alone on the couch in the loft. Every other member of the 118, and particularly Chimney, has given him a wide berth to wherever he has been standing. The only person who dares come closer is Eddie, but even the short exchange between the two colleagues has ended in Buck storming off towards the bunk room.</p>
<p>Eddie seems to know something, at least something more than Bobby, but he has denied knowing enough of the situation to be able to help fixing it.</p>
<p>“What’s going on?” Bobby finally dares to ask Hen, when Chimney abruptly exits the same room that Buck had entered.</p>
<p>She shakes her head.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure.”</p>
<p>“You know nothing? Not even from Chimney? Is it still the secret that he is not-so-secretly keeping?”</p>
<p>She looks at her Captain with her usual raised eyebrow.</p>
<p>“My guess is that whatever Maddie and Chim were trying to keep from Buck actually exploded in their faces” she shrugs “But until anyone talks…”</p>
<p>“We can’t do much.” He tilts his head in the team’s direction “Just keep an eye on the team, okay?”</p>
<p>“I always do, Cap”</p>
<p>He makes a slow advance towards the bunk room.</p>
<p>He’s not surprised to see Buck not even trying to fake sleep. The kid is actually sitting on a bed, his back to the wall, eyes focused on something far away, the only movement being the fidgety motions of his hands. One known truth about Evan Buckley is that there is no way he can stand still, not even during sleep.</p>
<p>“Everything alright, Buckaroo?” Bobby asks, raising his hands in alarm when the other man flinches on the spot.</p>
<p>“Easy, kid. It’s just me.”</p>
<p>“Hey, Bobby. Did you need anything?”</p>
<p>The defeated, sad tone of those few words should have nothing to do with Buck. And once again, the first thing he does is offer support, no matter the fact he is the one in need of it.</p>
<p>Bobby moves closer, slowly, sitting down on the edge of the bed, ready to back away at any sign that he is not welcome.</p>
<p>“I was just wondering if everything was alright. You seemed…” his voice trails off, unsure of how to conclude the sentence.</p>
<p>Buck’s eyes dart away, clouding to a darker shade of blue, and his body unnaturally stiffens, almost as if getting ready to receive a blow. He mumbles something and even if Bobby strains himself to hear, it is still gibberish.</p>
<p>Still, the direct approach is always the best option with Buck.</p>
<p>“Buck, you know if you need to talk about anything, I’m here for you, okay?”</p>
<p>Buck finally raises his head again, and that’s all the warning Bobby gets before he has an armful of a 29-year-old firefighter. Luckily for him, for the both of them, his body instinctively wraps around the younger man, engulfing him into a hug that seems to be never ending.</p>
<p>Bobby can feel Buck’s body shaking in his arms, as close to sobbing as he can without actually emitting a sound.</p>
<p>A rope slowly, carefully stretched, now pulled into too many directions, had finally snapped.</p>
<p>The captain tries to comfort him the best he can considering all the missing information.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, Buck, you are okay.” he whispers, one of his hands running along his back, trying to instill some warmth in the precious bundle in his arms.</p>
<p>Bobby has witnessed almost everything that Buck has been through in the years under his command.</p>
<p>From the cocky daredevil of his beginning at the fire station to the young man in front of him, Buck has changed and morphed so many times, trying not to break under the pressure of the events unfolding around him.</p>
<p>Still, Bobby has seen how Buck had smashed every time, shattered into tiny little pieces, elusive small crumbles scattered by the shockwaves of every crash, an obvious question making itself known to anybody who bothered caring. How many time can he break before there are no fragments left?</p>
<p>And every time, Bobby had been there, witness to Buck putting himself back together, rearranging the pieces into a hopeful more stable form, losing and gaining some along the way. So much so that the new mosaic of his life barely resembles the one that he had started with.</p>
<p>The older man could only hope that Buck was as proud of the result as he was.</p>
<p>They let go of each other after a few moments, the younger man brushing a hand over his eyes, trying to get rid of any evidence of his breakdown.</p>
<p>“Sorry, I…” Buck mumbles, a faint blush coloring his cheeks.</p>
<p>“There is nothing to apologize for” Bobby’s hand lightly squeezes his shoulder. “Do you need some time off? I can call for back-up and…”</p>
<p>“NO!” Buck almost shouts, before quickly closing off, as if ashamed of his own outburst “Seriously, the last thing I need right now is being alone.”</p>
<p>Bobby nods, but before he can say anything, the station siren goes off, bringing the usual chaos along with it.</p>
<p>Both firefighters stand up, ready to go face whatever is calling them. And if Bobby’s hand stays on Buck’s shoulder a second more than usual, it’s only for them to know.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I would like to clarify a few things. I really hate writing Maddie and Buck fighting, they usually have a good relationship and I try to keep that in my fics. In this case though, I feel like there was the need for a bit of a blow-up between the two of them. I don't like some of the things the writers decided for Maddie to do this season (and no, I'm not talking about keeping the secret, she was a child, she didn't know any better, I'm talking about calling the parents and not letting him know, come on!) so I needed to vent a bit.<br/>Also I love Bobby and Buck's relationship (even if I'm still mad at the two of them and the writers for the whole lawsuit plot line, seriously, communication much?) so I needed some real fatherly moment from somebody who cares.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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